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Every culture has its own rites of passage

 

Ways of marking that leap from childhood...

 

To manhood

 

Complex rituals...Weird dances...Acts of courage and survival

 

It's a tradition as old as civilization. Or...

 

As recent as crabgrass

 

Fact! in the suburbs...

 

A boy's first steps towards manhood start behind a lawnmower

 

Hey, Kevin! Watch where you're goin'. You missed a patch

 

Sorry, Dad

 

Still, for me, at sixteen, lawn care had given way to something much, much, more important

 

The driver's license

 

The thing that separates the boys...

 

Lucky stiff
From the men

 

And so on, and so forth...

 

Kev!

 

Kev!!

 

The hell ya doin' there?

 

I was just

 

You're burning a hole in the yard!

 

Right, Dad!

 

And don't forget to put the mower away when you're finished!

 

OK, I will!

 

But the truth was, by the spring of tenth grade, It was time to put the mower in mothballs

 

Forget the crabgrass. Make the jump from two cylinders...

 

To real horsepower

 

OK, now, Miss Pedermeir - let's try it again

 

OK

 

Only this time - easy on the brake. 'Kay?

 

Which one's the brake?

 

Driver's ed. The final demarcation line between those who could...

 

And those who probably shouldn't

 

Easy gas...Easy brake...Easy gas...

 

By the second week of on-the road training...One thing was becoming clear

 

Yucccch - old gum

 

Yeah? Heh - what flavor?

 

When it came to operating a motor-vehicle...These other kids were gonna need a lot of help

 

That's fine for today, MIss Pedermeir

 

I thought you said we were gonna do freeways - I want to do freeways!

 

Fortunately, in this car full of jokers...The coach had one ace up his sleeve

 

Arnold! You ready?

 

Sure am!

 

A man...Who was born to drive

 

Nice lane-change

 

Well, I did my best

 

And, put simply...My best was a lot better than anyone else's

 

I'd like everyone to note how Arnold here looked over his left shoulder before merging.

 

That's, uh, this one......Slovoski

 

And look at that hand-position, a perfect ten-and-two.

 

The motor-vehicle people are gonna be looking for that

 

Thanks, coach

 

Yeah, I didn't wanna brag...But let's face it - I had it all...

 

the reflexes, the instincts, the timing. The whole repertoire

 

Well, almost the whole repertoire

 

OK, we got a couple of minutes here...So why don't we jump ahead to our next section?

 

Parallel parking. It will be on your road test

 

I repeat, it will be on the test

 

Heh-heh, you almost had to feel sorry for the poor saps

 

Arnold - why don't we show 'em how it's done? She's all yours

 

Sure!

 

Course it was only right I should be the first

 

Left hand at noon...

 

Right arm over the bench

 

After all, I was the natural

 

Now, ease her on in

 

Yep, here it was - the final frontier

 

You...got it

 

The last thing standing between me and the open road

 

Get this...and I was home free

 

And that's when it happened

 

What happened?

 

You knocked over a cone!

 

He knocked over a cone!

 

I did?

 

You creamed it!

 

Wow!

 

Course, it could have happened to anybody. Still for some reason it rattled me

 

Let me do that again!

 

Sorry. We're out of time. We'll try it again next time

 

See you all on Thursday!

 

Oh...

 

And that was that. A small miscalculation, nothing more

 

Not even worth a second thought

 

OK, we'll try it again. Left hand at noon...

 

Right arm over the bench

 

You ready, Arnold?

 

Got it!

 

Of course I was ready

 

Slovoski, move your head!

 

I was just a little...Tense, that's all

 

After all, I had a reputation at stake here

 

Still, with the proper amount of concentration...

 

You got it...

 

Plus the old God-given natural instincts...

 

You got it

 

Yeah, what a comeback

 

From here on in it was gonna be smooth sailin'

 

If you didn't mind swimming to the curb

 

He missed!

 

Good, Arnold!

 

Maybe next time we can try parking the rest of the car

 

Hmmm...

 

That weekend, for some reason, the old lawnmower felt kinda...good

 

Familiar. Not like...

 

Driving

 

Kevin?

 

I know, I know - I'm putting it away

 

Nah, we gotta go pick up new shower doors

 

Oh...

 

Here! You drive

 

Oh!

 

You got your driver's-test coming up

 

You wanna practice, don't you?

 

Sure, but, uh...

 

Course any other day I'd have jumped at the chance to hit the road in Dad's gas-guzzler, but -

 

I don't know, Dad

 

Maybe I'll just......stay here

 

What? Somethin' wrong?

 

No, it's just that...

 

  I should've told him. I should've told him, but I didn't

 

Never mind

 

Then come on, let's go

 

I don't know, maybe I just needed some time to think it over

 

Not bad...

 

You're OK

 

Thanks!

 

Or maybe I needed a little confidence-building from the big man

 

In any event, by the time we reached town, I was back on my game again. Ready for anything

 

Why don't you pull her in over there?

 

Yikes

 

Go ahead, slip her in!

 

Uh...

 

Sure!

 

I'm on it, Dad

 

Of course this was no time to panic - I knew that. This was simple.

 

Just a matter of wedging two tons of steel in a twelve-by-four parking space

 

Nothing to it

 

Nope, all I had to do was think it through calmly. Rationally

 

And that's when I made my fatal mistake

 

I thought about it a second too long

 

Kev?

 

Huh?

 

What are you waiting for?

 

Uh...

 

Nothing

 

But as I sat there...Completely paralyzed, I knew one thing

 

Only a miracle was gonna get me out of this now

 

Or...A 1970 Volkswagen Super-beetle

 

What does that guy think he's doing?

 

Didn't he see the blinker?

 

The idiot shouldn't be allowed on the road!

 

Tell me about it

 

Well then, just...go around

 

Sure, Dad

 

But even though I escaped this time...

 

The truth seemed clearer than ever.

 

Instead of living life in the fast lane...

 

I was doomed to spend the rest of mine...

 

Circling the block

 

Coming of age in suburbia - the ritual, the ceremony, the grandeur

 

For anybody who could parallel park anyway

 

With my driver's-test only a few days away...

 

Hey, Kevin!

 

Don't forget to put that away!

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

 

It was beginning to seem like the only wheels I'd ever be in charge of would come with a leaf-bag and a mulch attachment

 

OK now, ease her on in.

 

And...perfect

 

The thing was, the harder I tried, the worse things got

 

Good, Grubner!

 

I guess you could say it was starting to affect my self-image

 

That's almost everyone

 

Your turn, Bo-Peep

 

It was clear if I wanted to pull out of this, I needed to re-establish my territory.

 

Assert my masculinity. The question was - how?

 

Hi, Kevin!

 

Hello!

 

Jessica! Hi!

 

Jessica Thomas. Just the kind of woman that could turn a man around

 

Hi. I was wondering if I could borrow your bio notes...from yesterday?

 

And I had something she wanted

 

Sure!

 

So, you, uh...busy Friday night?

 

Maybe...maybe not

 

Well, there's a dance...want to go?

 

I'm not big on dances

 

Or...we could ditch it

 

I might have plans

 

Cancel 'em

 

OK, it was a risk, but -

 

Alright. I will!

 

Bingo!

 

So, Friday then?

 

Friday!

 

Yes! I saw the mountain...and I took it

 

So pick me up at eight? You can park the car out front

 

Park?

 

Car?

 

And honk?

 

Oh no, oh no, oh no!

 

I've come to take my road test

 

Now!

 

I'd had it

 

I wasn't gonna spend the rest of my life as a shepherdess!

 

Take a seat. Wait your turn

 

OK - be rude about it. I didn't care. It was time to take the bull by the horns

 

No matter who was watching

 

Vogel!

 

And the thing is, now that I was there, I actually felt kind of - calm

 

Donlevy!

 

No question about it. From here on in, it was just a matter of time

 

Riordan!

 

Uh-huh. Nothing to do but wait...

 

Chang!

 

Ahem! Any minute now...

 

Burns!

 

And then, the wheels came off

 

Arnold?

 

Now I swear to you, I swear I was ready

 

To the deepest fiber of my being, I was focussed, confident, I was -

 

Good luck!

 

I was out of there

 

Oh, finished honey?

 

Yeah, come on!

 

How'd it go?

 

Piece of cake!

 

You heard it

 

Piece of cake

 

Congratulations, Kev!

 

You did it honey!

 

Thanks, Mom

 

Thanks, Dad

 

This is really - great

 

But it was horrible. I was a failure and a liar...

 

In front of my whole family

 

Well, let's see it, butthead!

 

See what?

 

The driver's-license - where is it?

 

Uh...

 

You didn't lose it already, did ya?

 

No! No! I just left it...

 

In my other pants - in my other wallet!

 

Besides, it's just a temporary!

 

I can't believe it. I can still remember your father teaching you to ride a bike. And now you're driving!

 

I guess I didn't expect you kids to grow up so fast

 

I couldn't believe it. My parents were getting spongy on me...

 

Washing away in sentimentality

 

So, there was only one thing to say

 

I gotta go to the bathroom

 

Not...so...fast

 

Yeah, Dad?

 

Here. Your mother and I got you something

 

You're gonna need these

 

It's your own set of keys to the car

 

Ah, Geez...

 

Thanks

 

I'm proud of you, son

 

Yeah

 

I couldn't get to sleep that night. I kept thinking about my future

 

How I was gonna grow up, go to college, raise a family

 

and be the only All-Pro quarterback who ever had to ride his bicycle to the Superbowl

 

I'm proud of you, son

  I can't believe it

 

Your own set of keys to the car...

 

You did it, honey

 

Your driver's license - where is it?

  Your turn, Bo-Peep

  Proud of you son...proud of you son...

 

And that's when I knew what I had to do

 

Like the young warrior cast out into the darkness of the jungle to prove his manhood...

 

I was going to learn how to parallel park, the only way I knew how

 

Alone

 

This is it!

 

Sure, I was committing grand-theft auto...

 

But there was a greater need here

 

I had to take the chance...And I had to do it now

 

And the path was clear ahead

 

Or so I thought

 

At that moment I hit rock bottom. I couldn't drive, I couldn't park,

 

I couldn't even remember to put away my father's lawnmower.

 

I didn't thinlk I couldn't feel any worse

 

Hey! Who's out there?

 

Except then I did

 

The funny thing is, for a second I actually thought about running for my life

 

What the hell's goin' on here?

 

But somehow I guess I knew

 

I just couldn't run anymore. It was time to face the truth

 

I don't know how to park

 

I lied about my license

 

I never took the test

 

Here

 

Take 'em. I don't want 'em

 

And maybe in that moment...

 

I learned something. About being a man

 

Yeah, you do

 

Come on, let's go

 

Where?

 

You gotta start somewhere

 

And I learned it...

 

From the guy who wrote the book

 

Little bit more - that's good! Awright...awright. Awright, now -

 

straighten it out, straighten it out. Good! Good!

 

Alright!

 

That night my dad taught me a lot

 

How to parallel park

 

Why you put away the lawnmower

 

And in some small way - what it takes to grow up

 

That Monday he took the afternoon off...

 

And we went and got my license. He was so proud

 

Then he took it away - and grounded me for a month